Selah

In my teens, all I wanted to think about was where my dreams could take me. And the different things I could experience. I definitely wanted to travel. In my twenties, I was married to my soul mate and started a family. Somewhere during that time my dreams changed. I still wanted to travel for sure but the overall picture included other people and more challenges.

Okay, let me stop for a second. This morning on the way to church I started wondering where I'd be in 5 years. That thought actually scared me for a minute cause I honestly could not see myself in just 5 years time. So much has transpired from year to year in my life so there is no way I can imagine the outcome of what I will be like in 5 years. I was about to get worked up over it until I realized how important it was for me to view it in light of how God has held my hands in His all my life.

It ends up that as I look back, every single decade has caused me to become a different person. My twenties were caught up in having a young marriage, a young child, and a young ministry. Oh and a young relationship with God. Everything was fresh and new, which was exciting, yet unfamiliar and lonely at times. It was the first time I ever moved away from my family to follow God's call completely. Having a newborn baby made it even more difficult because I knew NOTHING about being a mother much less a good wife. And to ask me to be a youth leader of total strangers was overwhelming. But God had a plan and a goal that He methodically worked out. Of course I never saw it until years later...

The thirties brought an entirely different perspective to my life. I was more settled into the marriage, into motherhood, and into ministry. I felt confident in my relationship with God and yet there was still such a struggle in my heart. I thought about going back to college and pursued that course until I found that we were expecting another baby. There were so many responsibilities within ministry that I felt were my load to carry. Oh if only I'd have listened to God...He would have told me to back off from that thought. This decade also brought a lot of heartbreak. I recall such a lonely time in my life, actually so painful I don't like to revisit it. After almost losing my marriage, my happy family structure, and being snatched away from my little church family..I started to really look at where I'd been and where it was I really wanted to be. When Dad passed away suddenly, I felt like a part of me died right along with him. But I think it was the final sentence to a long and hard chapter where I needed so much peace and closure. It was during this time that I realized my life was but a vapor and I was not getting the most out of it. At that point, things changed. I changed.

The forties have begun and I'm not old and bitter, nor am I young and naive. I'm still struggling with things that life brings. And I desire to be a great mother and wife. But my heart has only become lighter. I am embracing the woman God is molding out of my life. The imperfections are not so blinding anymore and the issues are not so overwhelming anymore. I know He loves me, even when I'm being a Jacob and not acting like His beloved. He knows my heart better than anyone on this planet and yet He never fails to love me. I will always be amazed at that. And my heart keeps singing because of it.