One More Trip

I was talking to an aunt the other day as she tried to get my uncle to talk to me on the phone. I was so excited because they are both elderly and I haven't spoken with them in forever it seemed. His sweet voice came over the phone and brought back so many memories of weekends at their house, fishing trips, meals shared, laughs together, just a lot of wonderful thoughts. He's in his late 80's so my aunt explained how he forgets who you are and what the conversation is about. Then she told me no matter how low and weak he gets, he ALWAYS wants to go for one more fishing trip. That has always been his passion, aside from preaching. And I promise you if he could, he would be in his little boat on a pond or lake somewhere at this very moment.

God spoke to my heart so strong and sweet to ask me a question. If I lost all memory, all capabilities to live this life as I do now, what would be the one thing my heart would still long to do? While pondering an answer, I was gently reminded that no matter what I've gotten accomplished or not, all I have to think about is what lies beneath everything I do everyday...what is my heart's cry. THAT is what concerns the Lord. He wants to know what motivates me to be the person I am. HE wants to be the driving factor, the difference maker.

What does your heart long to do? Are you doing it? It might be as simple as one more fishing trip, but to God it's a cry of your heart that He hears clearly. And it matters to Him.

Rich and Full-Bodied

I don't really know if it's the jogging that's making me think clearer and more focused or if it's the ham/turkey sandwich I'm stuffing in my mouth as I type. Either way I feel like I'm on a roll so I plan to go with it. School is in it's second or third week. I lose count. But it's going well. Everyone in the family is going through some type of education except Michael and me...well, let me retract that statement. Michael is being educated on the importance of using the potty instead of a pull-up. Plus, I guess I'm allowed to count the endless amounts of PBS he watches along with the DSI games and the outside time when we are out for those morning walks. I mean he DOES swing his arms like a mad man when I'm the one pushing him up and down the street in that stroller. That can count for P.E. Now instead of, "Mom, go faster. Run Mom", he says, "It's hot, GO FAST-ER!" That stroller is growing I tell ya. It's bigger than it was last week.

Someone asked me the other day what was my secret to looking so young. I took it as a compliment since I'm getting older and everything. So my daughter chimes in with, "It's the collagen." And she tries to squeeze my face every time she says it. That got me to thinking. What exactly is collagen? And doesn't celebs try to get it injected into their faces? So you know me, I looked it up on the web just out of curiosity. My reaction..."WHAT?" This is the Webster definition-tell me what you think. Collagen- any of a class of extracellular proteins abundant in higher animals, especially in the skin, bone, cartilage, tendon, and teeth, forming strong insoluble fibers and serving as connective tissue between cells, yielding gelatin when denatured by boiling.
First of all, you got me at the word extra but then add cellular to it...uhm, I think it's a formal word for fat. And I've got that kind of extracellular action all over this body. My daughter is so in trouble. By the way, it's Botox that celebs are so obsessed with. I guess collagen is something I need to be getting rid of, which leads me to the question of what happens to my fountain of youth? Will I end up looking like a dried up prune? But I figure if I want to keep eating the foods I love, I'll have to keep jogging. Oh and just last night, my daughter told me I was robust. I immediately didn't like the sound of that. I know one thing, she better start running.

Selah

In my teens, all I wanted to think about was where my dreams could take me. And the different things I could experience. I definitely wanted to travel. In my twenties, I was married to my soul mate and started a family. Somewhere during that time my dreams changed. I still wanted to travel for sure but the overall picture included other people and more challenges.

Okay, let me stop for a second. This morning on the way to church I started wondering where I'd be in 5 years. That thought actually scared me for a minute cause I honestly could not see myself in just 5 years time. So much has transpired from year to year in my life so there is no way I can imagine the outcome of what I will be like in 5 years. I was about to get worked up over it until I realized how important it was for me to view it in light of how God has held my hands in His all my life.

It ends up that as I look back, every single decade has caused me to become a different person. My twenties were caught up in having a young marriage, a young child, and a young ministry. Oh and a young relationship with God. Everything was fresh and new, which was exciting, yet unfamiliar and lonely at times. It was the first time I ever moved away from my family to follow God's call completely. Having a newborn baby made it even more difficult because I knew NOTHING about being a mother much less a good wife. And to ask me to be a youth leader of total strangers was overwhelming. But God had a plan and a goal that He methodically worked out. Of course I never saw it until years later...

The thirties brought an entirely different perspective to my life. I was more settled into the marriage, into motherhood, and into ministry. I felt confident in my relationship with God and yet there was still such a struggle in my heart. I thought about going back to college and pursued that course until I found that we were expecting another baby. There were so many responsibilities within ministry that I felt were my load to carry. Oh if only I'd have listened to God...He would have told me to back off from that thought. This decade also brought a lot of heartbreak. I recall such a lonely time in my life, actually so painful I don't like to revisit it. After almost losing my marriage, my happy family structure, and being snatched away from my little church family..I started to really look at where I'd been and where it was I really wanted to be. When Dad passed away suddenly, I felt like a part of me died right along with him. But I think it was the final sentence to a long and hard chapter where I needed so much peace and closure. It was during this time that I realized my life was but a vapor and I was not getting the most out of it. At that point, things changed. I changed.

The forties have begun and I'm not old and bitter, nor am I young and naive. I'm still struggling with things that life brings. And I desire to be a great mother and wife. But my heart has only become lighter. I am embracing the woman God is molding out of my life. The imperfections are not so blinding anymore and the issues are not so overwhelming anymore. I know He loves me, even when I'm being a Jacob and not acting like His beloved. He knows my heart better than anyone on this planet and yet He never fails to love me. I will always be amazed at that. And my heart keeps singing because of it.